Villain Central
by Rozza42
Summary: Have you ever wondered what happens when the villains of the Tintin series come together in a mysterious location, hosted by Rastapopoulos?... No really, have you?
1. Part I

Villain Central

_As famed reporter Tintin becomes hesitant in his adventures, some of the various villains come together in a private meeting to discuss matters and new ways of achieving their desires._

_A small number could not make it because of: imprisonment, being dead or just weren't important enough to be given an invitation. _

Rastapopoulos sat at the top of the long, elegant table with a fat cigar sitting between his lips. The Greek-American tycoon had gotten tired of his plans failing thanks to Tintin, and so had brought together those who has also failed in their villainous strive to a top secret location... somewhere.

Muller sat on his left, tapping the wine glass half full of red impatiently with his black eyebrows arching with irritation.

Opposite was Colonel Sponsz, grinding his teeth and nearly out-of-control fingers ready to grip the side of the table in anger. Tapioca meanwhile was drooped with his head resting in his arms, making a slight sobbing noise and still upset over the loss of the Revolution.

Allan however sat with arms folded with a grimacing smirk to Rastapopoulos, hoping for his boss to start soon. Very soon.

Although not as well known, Bobby Smiles was the second to furthest away, and was notably handling a cigar between his lips too. Of course Rastapopoulos knew all gangsters smoked obligatory cigars.

Rastapopoulos wished he had more villains to work with, but business must be business. He stood up from his comfy, luxurious chair and made a loud 'ahem'. They all looked up at him with a particular evil or vengeful gaze.

"My fellow villains and evil-doers, thank you for attending my meeting tonight. Apologies for the wait, for that I had hoped a few more would appear. Ah well... their loss..." He let a thick smoky 'o' slowly fly from his mouth, "I have called you here to discuss malevolent matters, our deepest and grandest desires we wish to perform without the foil of a certain nosy reporter!"

"I believe the majority of everyone's desires here have been crushed already, Rastapopoulos," groaned Muller.

Tapioca choked a few tears as he tried to speak, "Gr-au-fffp-WAAA."

Sponsz put a hand to his forehead, "Like the General here, we have all gone through the turmoil, at least TWICE, of being defeated by Tintin. I do not see what we can do to stop him."

"Exactly Sponsz," replied the German, "nothing we ever do is under the radar!"

"Look all of ya, the boss is rather hoping for optimism in this matter," Allan snarled.

Rastapopoulos nodded, "Yes that is my point. We are here to rid our minds of Tintin and start fresh!"

The suave American at the end of the table chuckled.

"Ah! Maybe Mr Smiles has an idea then!" Rastapopoulos said sweet and sickly.

"Perhaps, Mr Tycoon. I'm still surprised none of you have managed domination yet!"

At that instant aside from Rastapopoulos, everyone on the table turned to hate Bobby Smiles. Sponsz and Muller looked at another and fumed together.

Smiles continued, "As much as Tintin appears an easy target, it's always turned out he's a hard nut to crack resulting in us being sent to the jailhouse. Not to mention his annoying mutt. Anyway, what we need to do is simple; Provide a fatal hit to his reputation and career as a reporter!"

Muller snorted, "You're the one to talk!"

"Eh? What you sayin' about me?"

"Your career as the Mob Syndicate leader was ruined, was it not?" Muller folded his arms and smirked; "Besides you're one of the earliest to be defeated by the pest."

"Whose t'say I haven't come back with a vengeance?"

Rastapopoulos smoked the fat cigar and exhaled, "Smiles has a very good point. All we need to do is think on how to deflate his motivation and confidence."

"But wait, Tintin appeared less than motivated when he came to South America, so I recall."

Allan glanced at Sponsz, "Whaddaya mean?"

"I mean he looked hesitant and cynical over rescuing Madame Castafiore; almost as if he didn't want to come."

Tapioca sat up with reddened eyes, "But he did, and I went down whilst that darn Alcazar came up with the Picaros."

"So Tintin is finally growing out of interest? Perfect!" cried out a joyful Rastapopoulos.

Sponsz shook his head, "He is still wary, however. His mind is sharp regardless."

Muller sipped some wine, "The boy does not know when to fully remove himself from justice for one moment."

"Unless..." said Smiles, "Unless, we do something utterly unpredictable and un-villain like for a long period of time and especially in the public eye, Tintin will grow uninterested and simply no longer care!"

"And what's that?" echoed the room with cynicism.

"We announce on national televisions that we are no longer villains and instead pretend we're giving all our money to fake charities, thoroughly insisting we've changed for the better of the community!"Bobby Smiles raised his arms as though he were God, smiling and laughing like a ruler...

Those sitting at the table, including Rastapopoulos glanced at one another and smirked as a sign of advance 'lets do evil stuff to that fool'. Rastapopoulos laughed as he exhaled the cigar smoke.

"My, Bobby Smiles that IS creative."

"Why thank you, I'm touched."

Rastapopoulos' hand crawled just under the table hovering by a strange red (HINT HINT) button.

"However, I do not think that will get us anywhere and nor do I think you'll do the same. Now say goodbye!"

Smiles banged his fists on the table, "WHAAAAT? IT'S A PERFECT IDEA, I DON'T SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT AND IT'S NOT LIKE ANY OF Y-"

Pressing the red button, Rastapopoulos proceeded to open the floor under the American gangster. Smiles fell down, screaming like mad and disappeared into the darkness. A small splash was heard at the bottom.

"... I'm... I'm ok..."

Rastapopoulos sat down as he was cheered on by the rest of the villains, "Now, back to business..."

Muller grumbled, "I hate that guy."

"Don't we all," replied Sponsz, "However on the topic at hand, what is there that we can do? We have tried the low keys, high keys, being as subtle as possible and being as outrageously public as possible. There is nothing we can do to stop Tintin finding out our motives."

"That is true, Sponsz," Allan growled.

Tapioca pleaded to Rastapopoulos, "Is there anything we can do? ANY IDEAS? I want to be able to be happy again."

The bi-nationality tycoon briefly thought to himself, "Well... there may be something..."

"What is it?" They all asked.

"Hmm... it will have to take a week to happen... Are we all free in 7 days time?"

Everyone got out their diaries and checked a week in advance, "I'm always free now." "It's my sister's wedding the day before so I might make it, if I'm not too taken by the free bar..." "Sponsz, we're meant to be having our badminton match at 4, we can always change it to later?" "Yes, yes, Muller."

Rastapopoulos clapped his hands, "Fantastic! We can all just about make it."

"What about Mr Too Proud For His Own Boots down there?" Allan said.

"Oh he'll be rejoining us. I feel generous with my currently unused traps..." the tycoon winked and laughed.

"Well..." Muller shrugged, "At least we have one person to pick on."

"You took the words right out of my mouth."

MEANWHILE...

"Er... hello?

Hello, anyone else here?

I can't see in the dark... and my glasses are broken... double blind...

I wonder if I still have my matches...

Oh great, they're ruined by the sewer water.

This suit will need permanent dry-cleaning. No doubt it'll cost me a bomb...

What was wrong with my plan anyway? It was flawless!

... Then I WAS FLOORLESS.

*sigh*

Guess I'll just have to wait til I'm taken out of here..."


	2. Part II

_One week later..._

Once again, all around the large, elegant table in a top secret location... somewhere, the men who thoroughly disliked and fought against Tintin, the famed reporter, sat opposing each other and looking surprisingly more laid back than the previous meeting.

Rastapopoulos, the 'leader' of the villains sat at the head of the table, with his fat cigar whilst Bobby Smiles at the bottom looked less than pleased; his hair was a little messy with his smart glasses fixed together with sticky tape and his leg in a cast. The moods clashed between the four other villains whom had attended.

Muller and Sponsz were talking plentifully about their upcoming badminton match whilst Tapioca pondered thoughts in his head (possibly torture methods for General Alcazar) and Allan with a ship making kit box.

It almost appeared if the villains were halfway to reverting to a normal, well spoken and un-villainous lifestyle.

Rastapopoulos spoke, "So, has everyone has a good week?"

"Oh yes, definitely." "Could've done more." "Alright."

"You... broke my leg..." Smiles whimpered in the background.

"Gooooooood!" replied the tycoon, "So everyone's fine. Right, onto business; As you remember last week, I said there was something we could do to break Tintin out of his snooping habit, to officially wane him away from pestering us any longer. But it would take a week to happen."

Muller chuckled, "And does this happen to lead up to that large looking television behind you?"

"Yes..." He looked briefly behind him, "...Yes it does. I bring you..." he held up a remote and pressed the on button, revealing a number of greyscale squares on the screen, "Closed circuit television within Marlinspike Hall!"

"Marlinspike Hall is where Tintin, Captain Haddock and Professor Calculus live, right?"

Sponsz glared at Rastapopoulos, "Did you steal my idea of closed circuit TV from San Theodoros?"

"Yes."

"Good, we can actually make more use out of it!"

In the living room square, sat Tintin in one of the armchairs with Snowy sitting at his feet whilst reading a Belgian newspaper; Rastapopoulos enlarged it for the rest of the villains to see.

"Now, gentlemen, I managed to get CCTV installed within Marlinspike Hall to find out what motives Tintin might have that we may crush like an... er... apple under a tire!"

Allan asked with slight confusion, "Why that saying, boss?"

Rastapopoulos puffed the cigar, "I don't like apples."

Muller praised the idea, "Yes, finding out his motives alongside his annoying friends is a fantastic plan!"

"Although, he does not seem to be doing much..."

Tintin put down the newspaper and stretched his arms and legs, the Captain walked on screen to ask him something, holding a glass of whiskey. Rastapopoulos turned up the volume.

"... to know what time that new grocery store by the bakers closes, do you? Cuthbert has run out of eggs."

"I believe it closes in an hour, why, what is the Professor doing now?"

The villains hushed, "It may be a new secret plan!" "Ooo this is exciting!"

Bobby Smiles groaned, "This is stupid. You can tell nothing goes on in that house..."

"SHUSH!" cried Tapioca, "We are trying to listen!"

"Oh nothing much, Tintin... He's trying to make fried eggs without the use of a hob or an oven. You know how much he tries to make household appliances easier and 'compact'."

The room went silent, everyone looking blankly at one another whilst the two friends on screen carried on talking. Allan shrugged his shoulders.

"Maybe nothing very adventurous is happening then, well for them."

"That may be true, Allan," replied Rastapopoulos as he swivelled around back to the screen, "Ah, they've gone to the Professor's laboratory. Let's look on the CCTV there."

Another small square enlarged itself, revealing Professor Calculus depositing another failed to fry egg into a big dustbin in his laboratory. Tintin and the Captain entered, Snowy sniffed the floor and made a disgusted bark.

"Ah, good afternoon Tintin, Captain!"

"Hello Professor, what's this strange experiment you're doing?"

"I'm not chewing anything! I'm actually trying to make an egg fry without the use of hob heat!"

"That sounds... er..."

"Exciting isn't it? Soon we can have cooked breakfast without wasting unnecessary energy!"

The screen crackled, the grey like squares flickered and suddenly the face of Max Bird came up on the television in front of the villains, laughing (or rather attempting to laugh) like a madman.

Muller whispered, "Who is that?"

They all shrugged, "Not a clue."

"So... after years of searching, hiding myself upon trains, planes and ships, this is where I find the rest of you villains! Rastapopoulos, you promised me that I would be given an invitation to this club!"

"Maxime Bird..." Rastapopoulos exhaled cigar smoke, "You have found us very well. I am guessing you want my reason behind you not being in this 'club' of villains?"

Max stared at him, "Of course. I wouldn't be here for the sake of it! Why aren't I sitting around the table with the rest of you? Surely I've paid my dues as a villain?"

Those aside from Rastapopoulos glanced at each other a look of 'I've never seen this person before' in the background, as well as chuckling at this silly man's premise.

"Well... yes... AND no," replied the tycoon, "See, the premise of being a villain is to be frightening and daunting, not just kidnapping here and there to be 'cool'. You somehow managed that but then again... hmm... how do I put it?"

"What? WHAT IS IT?"

"Yes, how do I put it..." Rastapopoulos swung his chair around to face the rest of the villains, giving them a wink that they all recognised. And in one big chorus, they shouted, "YOU DON'T LOOK EVIL ENOUGH."

Max blinked in silence for a few moments, being rejected by a group of villains... What on earth? Suddenly he shouted in annoyance.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? I DON'T LOOK EVIL ENOUGH? ARE YOU CRAZY? YEAH SURE I DON'T HAVE A CRAZY TWISTED MOUSTACHE, OR A WELL GROOMED OUTFIT-"

"You look like a fool," murmured Muller, "Invest in a suit!"

"BUT I AM STILL EVIL! EVIL EVIL EVIL!" The man jumped up and down in anger.

As this happened, Sponsz noticed that the floor mildly shook too; This Bird Brother was inside the room somewhere. Pointing the others to an obstructed curtain, they watched as he walked over and swung open the curtain.

Inside was Max stomping about as shown on screen, "I AM EVIIIIIIIIIIIIL! Ah... oh..." his face dropped.

And before he knew it, everyone in the room was bursting into fits of laughter as his silly, boyish tantrum; Tapioca was strewn across the table as Muller and Allan high-fived. Rastapopoulos put his hand to his face, shaking in chuckles and Bobby Smiles nervously laughing with his slightly banged up mouth.

Rastapopoulos demanded whilst still in laughter, "Sponsz grab that chair over in the corner and have him sit next to Mr Smiles. Mr Bird is allowed to join our group!"

Max's eyes lit up, "R-r-really, Rastapopoulos?"

The laughter began to cease as the villains couldn't believe their ears. The leader was allowing THIS fool to join? ... No, they found, he was planning something that Max Bird deserved.

He sat down with joy and smiled, "Wow, I've never been in a group like this before!"

Smiles winced an expression of disbelief and realisation towards everyone but they didn't seem to care.

"So, Max, how does it feel sitting at this table finally? Pleased?" They sweetly asked.

"Yes... I feel... POWERFUL! Like I belong here almost!" He rested his back against the chair, "So, what's the next big evil plan, huh?"

"Our next big evil plan..." Rastapopoulos exhaled more smoke, "Is simply called..." his hand wavering under the table by the familiar red button, hint, "Smiles at the Birdy!"

The floor gave way again and suddenly, Max Bird and Bobby Smiles fell down the deep, black hole.

"!"

A loud splash came from the sewer water below.

"I-I'm alright..."

"Don't worry; I'm used to it..."

The room erupted into laughter once more at the fun of downgrading the fools that once sat at the bottom. Never mind Tintin torture, teasing and mocking those weaker was much more entertaining.

"I'm really enjoying this; it's almost like... a stress reliever!" Tapioca commented, "It's so much better than anything else."

Allan peered down the hole, "I agree, General. This has a good point and nothing serious happens to us."

"How about we have another meeting next week? Same time, same place but instead of evil plotting, have evil fun?" suggested Rastapopoulos, "We all like each other's companies, so why not."

"I agree!"

"You could not have said it better."

MEANWHILE...

"Urgh! GOD, I cannot believe those men! And here I thought I would be accepted...

Er... hey... you..."

"What?"

"You said you're used to it, right?"

"Yes..."

"Did they delegate you as the kick-around? Or am I mistaken?"

"No, you're right...

I don't mind it anyway. It means I get discounted healthcare now."

"Oh...

That's pretty nifty.

Er, how long does it take til we're taken out?"

"A couple of hours.

It ain't too bad.

By the way... where are my glasses?"

"*Crunch*... "


End file.
